Life is strangely beautiful

A few days ago, I went out at the crack of dawn to get some breakfast... As I drove out, I was caught in a mini-jam near my housing area and I was cursing my lungs off because patience is not my virtue and to me, getting stuck in the jam is an utter waste of time. But there was nothing I could do other than cursing and cursing at that point of time is not productive. Well, it won't help anyway. It's not like the jam would move if I get angry and curse. Suddenly, a revelation came to me. Technically, it is not revelation, it is something I have known all these while, but never could truly grasp the concept. At that moment, I was looking at the clear blue sky, decorated with snow white clouds and the bright sun... Birds were flying and chirping away happily and as it was a breezy day. Life shouldn't be so hard. No matter how dire the circumstance is, we still could find a way to make ourselves happy... it is all a game of mind. In short, it all depends on your mindset. Perhaps, there are a million things out there that you cannot control, but there is one thing you can, your mind. Cursing and getting restless when caught in the jam wouldn't change a thing. Instead of getting angry and ruin my mood, I could have listened to my favourite music, read a book, or just simply enjoy my surrounding by observing it.

Then, I reached the restaurant, got down from my car and ordered my breakfast. As I was waiting for my breakfast, I sat down, lighted a ciggie, and watched the people around me. The stall owners, customers, waitresses, etc. I thought to myself, these people are beautiful. Life may have made them age, unattractive and plain, but they are beautiful. I believe that there is some kind of beauty in everyone. I don't know these people, yes, but I know that they are living their lives, making a living. That very own fact makes them beautiful. And that reminds me of something, the very reason I chose the beauty line. The very reason I fell in love with makeup. I love to beautify people. Yes, beauty has to come from within, but I think at least by highlighting their best features, it would give them confidence. It is extremely empowering to feel beautiful and confident. I would like to be the one who helps to achieve this. I love to see the smiles on their faces when I am done with my job.

I get it now. I really do. If you have a positive mind, everything you see will be beautiful and that will be the sole factor that is going to drive you on when faced with challenges or difficulties. We could never choose a circumstance, but we could always choose the way we react to it.

Finally, I see it. Life is strangely beautiful in many ways and I am happy to be able to discover more. I will continue this journey in making a difference, making the world a more beautiful place in my own ways.

I. Am. Happy.

Regret

Dear all,

Now, I know I should not be writing about something this negative just one day after my birthday, but I need to because these unsettling feelings deep down inside my heart are torturing the hell outta me.

I did the unthinkable thing and made a fool outta myself on one fateful day. Sounds just like me isn't it? Sigh. I feel so mortified and embarrassed and I really don't know what I can do to make things right again. How I wish I could turn back time or undo the things that I did. How I wish.

I did what I did not because I couldn't let go, I supposed it was just some unexpressed feelings in my heart (that I am trying desperately to get rid of and I am getting there) that drove me to do that.

If I do say so myself, throughout the years, I have learnt how to move on and let go, I just need some time to do it. I seriously don't know what the hell got into me. Perhaps it really was the alcohol doing the talking, not me. Because I never would have done such a thing. Just by thinking of it makes me cringe. And wanna slap myself. And feel like puking. It's like I can't even live with myself now.

I ruined something again. And I really do regret it... Thousand apologies. I'm really sorry.

The trip back to K.Lipis

Dear all, I made a trip back to Kuala Lipis yesterday and I just came back today.

Well, I would say this trip has cheered me up a little... and I am better compared to my previous state. At least, having my family around me made me feel safer and they really did occupy my time and I had no time to think of the things that were (and still are), bothering me. Frankly speaking, my mood is better now. ^_^ However, I still feel exhausted, because like life, every rose has its thorn. I don't think I will be mentioning any name here as it will be inappropriate... =) I just want to share my thoughts on this matter. Oh well, not newly found thought; it is a well-known fact, but I never really accepted it. I guess now I do. Do not expect people will change, because when you do, they never do. When you expect something like that, all you will get is disappointment. I'm not dreaming anymore and I would move on and NEVER look back again. I mean, come on, what's the point? It is not any happy ending, it is frustrating, and like a friend of mine always says, it is not productive.

Anyway, seeing my parents really did cheer me up. And my relatives and some old friends back there. I know I am not alone. There are times when you will feel really fragile and vulnerable... like the whole world is against you. There is nothing wrong with that because life always has its ups and downs. I don't care if people say that I am emotional and that I have no EQ. At least I know I will be fine after being emotional; I won't keep my feelings bottled up and when the exposion comes, the damage can never be repaired. So who cares if I scream and shout and cry once in a while? =)

Oh well, someone is now looking at me with evil eyes asking me to get lost now. Kidding :p

Gotta go peeps. More updates comings soon.

My Birthday Is Coming Soon

As the title suggests, my birthday is just around the corner. To be honest, I was very excited to celebrate it and had made plans of celebration last month. But right now, I just don't feel like celebrating it anymore. My mood swings have gone from bad to worse lately. I just feel that birthday is just the same as any other day. Perhaps, this is to celebrate one's existence. But mine? It is not worth celebrating for. I am down in the dumps right now. I am gonna be 24. When I was 17, I thought I would grow up and be different when I turn 18. When I turned 18, I thought things would be different when I turn 21. But til now, I am still clueless. I never know what exactly is going on. I am not different. I am not better. I just get worse. Lately, I am not appreciative or grateful of what is around me. I can feel angry or upset out of the blue, just like a mad woman. Yup, you heard me. I am calling myself a woman now, no longer a girl.

I don't know how I should continue this journey. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know if I will be able to someone one day.

There was this one night, I had an argument with someone and I realized something. First, things are never fair. Second, no matter what I do, I am just... me. And I will never be able to fulfill the expectation of someone important to me... and ouch, that hurts. Third, humans are selfish, and I should learn how to be more selfish and self-centered. Fourth, things really have changed. As tears rolled down on my cheeks uncontrollably, I just thought of so many things. And they were nasty thoughts. People who once cared so much about me don't really care anymore. Yes, I am a grown up now, but does that mean I don't need them? Sometimes I just feel like getting angry with the world and the people in it and hate 'em all. (Now I am just being plain crazy)

I was very upset on my birthday last year. I don't think this year is gonna be any different.

I have the urge to strangle myself right now.

Don't mind me. Just having an emo moment.

Good morning.

It's been a while

Hi all, I've been missing in action again... :o

Nope, this time it is not about work or assignment or anything...

Someone once told me: "It is not easy to push yourself to do something". How true.

Now that I am taking Diploma in Professional Make Up, I feel that the stress is getting to me. I am serious. I feel that I am never gonna make it. I feel that I don't have the talent. I watch all my friends go to work with so much energy and enthusiast and hell I envy them. I watch all of them building their career and hell I envy them too! Everyone's working and yet I am stuck studying. Every now and then, if opportunities come up, I would feel tempted. I would feel like going back to event/advertising/PR... but I always tell myself, this is your dream. You chose it. You left your job for it. It's like I have a devil living deep inside my heart who keeps debating with me. "You can't make it. A dream is always a dream."

It's driving me insane here! To add insult to injury... people judge. I know I can't stop people from judging me and I am learning to deal with this. Sometimes I succeed in ignoring them, sometimes I don't. The determining factor here is... who are those people and whether or not I care for them.

But no matter what, I would fight the devil living in mind and I will prove some people wrong. I am not worthless. Not useless.

Right now... I just need to rant a little. Because I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of the future. Afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. After ranting...I believe that I would be ok.

More updates soon, if there is any. :)